it tastes like there's a party in my mouth and everyone is throwing up
Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.
I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.
Let's just say I've never been so continually aware of my nipples before.
Yeah..I guess you know your hair looks like shit when TSA asks to inspect it
I think there's an ice cream truck out back, but there's no way I can get pants on in time to catch it
You were cuddling with an eight iron and I was eating a fajita completely ignoring your presence.
i just found my fake in the snow. LIFE IS AWESOME
Who's the easier target... Bandages on the knees, tramp stamp, or bra showing? Not in the mood to work for it tonight.
Well let me fuck you while I make potatoes. It's every girls dream
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Randomize
