I'm going to kill the bastard that switches my hot hookups from the previous night with ugly chicks
Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.
btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.
I still havent gotten an apartment yet, so I crash random college parties...get so drunk and then sleep on their couch
Im deleting that text because its a possible ncaa violation
All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.
So topless strobe light beer pong turned into me rugby tackling a bitch to the ground.my tits will never forgive me for sacrificing their majesticness for responsibility
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I arrived home at 7am wearing nothing but my underwear and a fedora. I ate half a dozen deviled eggs. Put Katy Perry on repeat. And cried myself to sleep. We cannot go out on Thursday anymore
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
So... I woke up on a bench with a honey bun on my chest.
According to my snapchat story, I tore a fake wig off a security guard and ran away with it.
It was a blind-side dick pic.
Well I'm half drunk in a green tutu at a chipotle. So pretty good parade.
Is it something I'm going to want to hug you for or slap you for?
Randomize
