Woke up in a pool of alcohol sweat. Probably could wring out my sheets and make a decent cocktail.
I feel like one of those toads that you lick to get high or find a prince.... cept when you lick me you find a drunk whore.
when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'
i pity the fetus.
i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew
i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)
she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable
Eating an ice cream sandwich while your little bro gets me weed. May I adopt him?
I'm so poor. I just wiped my ass with cocktail napkins... That I stole from the neighbors... When I was over there stealing Cheetos.
Hey douche face I just want you to know, if you ever got hit by a bus, I'd really miss you.
Only if you died obviously.
I fell into a manhole last night, so there's that
I'm owning this being a social human being thing tonight!
Tinder date just called. I was supposed to be there 30 minutes ago but I'm on a 27 game win streak in Park...?
Fuck that man! Tell her your dog died or something. Reschedule that shit, you can't stop 2K at a time like that. Ball is life bro... Priorities.
He can't say no, it's my spiritual goddamn quest.
The last time I went out with these guys I won an iced tea maker from a drag queen.
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