its like randi wears special contacts, but instead of colors they make her eyes say "I want cock"
I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed
watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...
i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.
If her puking on your pool table is her sign of a good night, it's time to intervene.
You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.
Hi. This might be awkward, but I met you on saturday at about 330 am. I have to admit I don't remember your name, what we talked about, or various details of how I got home. What I do remember is that I was invested enough in getting your number to ask my cab driver for a pen to write it down since my phone was dead. So do you want to meet, soberer, some time?
Hey bro I think you got the wrong number I'm a dude
can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?
Someone shat in our tub last night. I'm not pointing fingers but you priors make you a prime suspect.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
Well then she has to know whoever you were kissing was in overalls because that's not a detail you just leave out.
I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature
that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw
I said no to friends with benefits because it was too much commitment
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
You put a bag of sliced onions in the microwave then screamed, "voila, onion rings!"
Randomize
