I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so..some girl walked up to me on the porch last night. She came to apologize for peeing on our lawn a few days ago. I just looked at her and said it was ok, she wasn't the first.
i kept drunkenly begging people i met to be in my facebook mafia
I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.
She just face-timed her mom and had her watch all of us toast to her grandmas tits..
Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.
He just got dropped off drinking a flask, sitting on the handlebars of a chinese delivery man's bike
Tonight's gonna be epic. Did he bring my noodles?
I hope it's socially acceptable to wear a mesh one piece into last call tonight?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
If the world ends and i have no vodka please just kill me.
It's almost sad. It's like the Harambe of vagina stories really.
I just got CPR certified, don't make me need these skills so soon
Nothing says "Jesus has forgiven your sins" like finding out you're not pregnant on Easter.
Randomize
