Just saw a man jogging. For recreation. At 3am. Who's he training to be, batman?
Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..
With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.
dude.. you lit a cigarette on the bus and told the driver it was okay because you were fire marshall of your boy scout troop
I'm watching the Australian Open. They need to slow the fuck down. It's hard enough to follow sober and now it's just pissing me off.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.
Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.
So you think it's my fault? I didn't give you the 10 shots you took nor make you eat the brownies we made... btw, i found your engagement ring, it was in the last brownie you wouldn't let me have while dragging me to my room.
im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom
Night just started and I've already seen a woman headbutt a brick wall. Unintentionally. Epic to say the least
Remember that picture you sent me of you trying to eat the flower arrangement in the bathroom at that restaurant?
I should come with a disclaimer that reads "bad at relationships and defensive when confronted about it"
or maybe "WARNING: picks fights when bored"
Of course i made out w him. He was painted green. You know of my secret longing for the Hulk.
So the tow truck driver didn't charge us because Ian convinced him that he was sent out by God to share his cocaine with us.
I cant promise hot guys but i can promise alcohol which is close enough.
Randomize
