Did you just throw up mid-sentence?
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome
I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
My doctor wrote down abstinence as my form of birth control. #ihavenodatinglife
I didn't know what to say so I just sent him a chicken emoji
Nothing kills the mood quicker than kneeing him in the face during sex
In other news, I had my first sex related injury of the school year so that's cool
I never realized how weird our shower smells until I cracked a shower beer and had a familiar aroma to compare it to.
It's Jesse McGoddamn Cartney, the whole world sings that shit
these past three weeks have been a real "fuck you" to my liver
Yea I went out in footie pajamas and still got laid. Good night for u?
I really just gave up on masterbating because I'm too tired. I really am getting old.
cant one of your roommates drive you?
You came in my eye once. You owe me.
ill be there in 20
Randomize
