Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"
He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.
I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Kinda forgot to grab tampons. Mind if I run to my house to get one? I'd rather not turn my green skinny jeans Christmas colors
I feel awkward giving career advice while naked
I went to her house she had a kid pool in her living room watching the vacation channel drinking rum out of the bottle saying" life is what you make it. Mines a vacation!!!"
You FaceTimed your mom in the back of the limo telling her how many guys you hooked up with at the concert
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
COME AND FUCKING GET ME I AM IN SOME SORT OF JUNKYARD!!!
You know that voice that tells you to do something spontaneous after 1am? Don't listen to it.
The police report said i was screaming at someone that wasnt there, then the cops told me to call someone sober and i called mike to tell him "They are trying to arrest me for stealing information from the FBI" at that point they took me to jail.
do you know why there was a glass jar of hot chocolate and a traffic flare in my shower?!! like where did that even come from
Randomize
