apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".
the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.
I am currently exfoliating my skin with the toilet. We've never been so close.
Normally this is when girls give blow jobs. That's how you mentally condition them to put up with PMSing, because they see the shinny blowjob light at the end of the tunnel.
It's ok. I will share any beautiful men that I drug and leave unconscious on my bed. I'm that kind of friend.
He said he wanted to "superfuck" me
Does he wear a cape??
What should I say back?
Well, how do you want the conversation to go?
Straight into my pants.
I need a present that says please like me even though i'm banging your grandson
why do you keep saying "she looks like a porn star" like thats a bad thing?
Are you in a position where you can bring me some nachos?
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
My boyfriend just called me on his poop break from work.... Is that what you meant by moving too fast?
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