you tried to clear everyones facebook status so that yours would be the only one on everyones home page
He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.
some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?
He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Can we just smoke a few bowls and eat grilled cheese while drunk in our hotdog suits at 9am ?
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I just plagiarized Dr. Curtis Connor's ideology from Spider-man in an essay on genetically engineered embryos. College: academic integrity at its finest.
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
Randomize
