Upon hearing of his newfound access to every orifice... even ones he just made up... the Grinch's penis grew three sizes that day.
Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.
Hawaiian shirts and no dignity
We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.
Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened
Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.
I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.
how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?
Her face just looks like a massive mistake. That's the only legitimate description I can say about it
the back of my hand read, "say no to drugs." my palm read, "say yes to shots." when the fuck did I write that?
You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.
Your ankle brace is here and the saw is charged. Grab some vodka that cast is coming off tonight.
i formally give you permission to eat me when i pass out
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
i just woke up to her giving me a toothy BJ so I had to break into your bedroom and steal about 4 condoms. Sorry for waking you. :(
I'm concerned I may die tonight. All I've been told about my bday shenanigans is to bring slutty clothes, a bikini, tylenol, sunglasses and pjs. Tell me what the fuck is going on...now
bring lube too
i hate all of you
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