My mom just told me that the key to a successful marriage is never seeing your partner take a shit.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
I inhaled my own vomit, how was your night?
How drunk do you think I'll be by the time I get home?
I just watched you drink a whole glass of wine through a Twizzler. Pretty drunk.
I need vitamin water and Jesus :/
My boss just lit a candle and said a prayer to get laid tonight ..
Thanks for fingering me to orgasm during Wu-Tang Clan
In her defense, she didn't know I had a twin brother. Plus, we're even: I banged her sister.
See, remember when you wanted to get an Ashley Madison account and I told you not to and you hated me? You. Are. Welcome.
Two of my dealers just made friends at this party. Do you think one will be pissed if I buy from the other or should I just go 50/50?
Also Fuck you Stephen King and Fuck the horse you rode in on, making me cry In front of my coworkers.
He took a shot of vodka and AND ATE ME OUT AS A CHASER. YESSS. I AM IN LOVE.
IDK if she's gay or not, but there is something about the way she looks at me that says "do dirty dirty things to me." I have no choice but to oblige.
Randomize
