captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big
Welcome to my life
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho
How much is that going to cost?
A lot of beer.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?
Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.
He crawled over to me grabbed my boob asked me if I liked cats and then passed out. If that's really my RA, it's gonna be a long year
By the end of the first quarter he was so hammered he was pouring beer into the crockpot with the miniature hot dogs and BBQ sauce saying he loved the supper bowl and he loves taking mini weinies to the face
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
I was angry that a college kid had a new Audi
so I peed on it
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
I think i should either cut my hair or buy a dildo.
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
It's been three years since Kelly shit in the to go box that we put in Sam's mailbox after we broke up. Considering Sam and I are friends again, should I finally tell him?
Randomize
