her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.
I have 11 glasses of water and one beer on the table infront of me. Have to keep going to different bartends to get more. There are only two though and I think they've caught on
Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?
I'm still trying to figure out how you came back with chinese food, and a spoon covered in icing saying 'cake..'
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
What can I say, I'm a giver.
Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.
Euphemism? No, "pantsless vodka yoga" is a legitimate pastime of mine
Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.
Do you ever actually plan things? Or is it always drugs then whatever happens? I'm considering being worried about you
You showed up at my front door in a bikini with a fifth of tequila it was like the opening to a porno
Currently at a bar observing the mating patterns of drunken people in their 60s. This is hilariously terrifying. Hope he has Viagra.
One of my pillows is missing but it's cool because there is a beef stick.
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
So if your sore it's because you tried to tackle a tree last night. When I told you at the party, you said "What do you expect, I'm an athlete!"
Randomize
