and then you made a playlist that was just "party in the usa" on repeat...
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"
I just wanna not walk straight. Is that too much to ask for?
you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.
Also I'd like you to set a calendar reminder that goes off every day for you to take 2 minutes to think about what your life would be like without me.
So. I need to gloat. I couldn't exactly tell my family that I won this game by deep throating.
Woke up with a $50 attached to my penis with a rubber band..
Sweet. Tell little Richard to buy us a sack and a pizza.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Look, I am sorry I shaved your cat...but get over it.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
