Dude judst bought snd smokked tfour white widoew jointsd in Asmsterdam. Wstching the Cvhiefs gsme. Oh Boy.
You are why other countries hate Americans. But I say God bless you.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.
I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.
Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.
Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?
I know. It's cray. Crayon. Crayolaaaaa.
If the Cards come back I will fly to St Louis and shit in a very public place.
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Don't be embarrassed its me, I've licked your taint.
Not saying I'm a lesbian. Just saying that every time she walks by I wanna scissor her
Sorry I peed on your ottoman
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
“On a break” is implied when it’s a Russian chick dressed as Black Widow wearing Minnie Mouse ears
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