bras are like tupperware for tits, keeps em fresh.
Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
I wonder if that one guy remembers you sticking salami to his forehead when he was passed out on new years eve.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
I've literally already typed in by booty call text for friday night. all I have to do now is wait for is drunk me to press send
I swear she lies about being allergic to gluten so she'll get all the jack and not have to drink shitty beer like the rest of us
Tuesday Boozeday turned into What-the-fuck-were-you-thinking Wednesday real fast.
I don't think he understands that his kid doesn't bother me. I have a binder full of developmentally appropriate early childhood activities.
Either go for divorced men who are forty plus or stop doing this immediately. You are 23 years old. You need more wine and less baby fever
I was floored. Like way less concerned with him using drugs than I am with him not believing in evolution.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Did anyone see us fucking last night on the giant turtle outside downtown Disney?
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
