So I had sex with him again. He's still got it. Not chlamydia, he got rid of that.
I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.
I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.
Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams
But seriously he was like a god with his hands. My vagina feels annointed.
He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game
Delete that photo of me. My ass looks WAY to good it in to be on Facebook for everyone to see. You gotta earn that shit.
This family outing has commenced with me throwing up in an apple orchard
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
Ya apperently its not "appropriate" to fuck in the school auditorium
He ate me out while watching Fifty Shades of Grey---needless to say I'm locking this down
I took a vibrator for a weekend with my parents instead of a boyfriend. I obviously have my life together.
I'm drunk and he's still weird.
I know you think you’re ready to graduate but just keep these things in mind: taxes, I get up at 5 AM every morning, I have to buy vegetables when I go grocery shopping, and I can’t wear sweat pants to work. Take that victory lap and enjoy the sweat pants and bar hopping because it goes downhill real quick.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
