dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.
I seem to have left my pride at pride
just woke up in my neighbors garage.
scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.
I hope my liver is having as much fun as I am
It was honestly the most delicious alcohol I've ever drank, plus the added risk of going blind from methanol poisoning really enhanced the experience.
Theres a guy in your room wearing a franzi box costume and some girl is in the box giving him head.
I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Living a little to me does not involve choreographed Michael Jackson songs
Dad's teaching me to make moonshine this weekend as "college prep". How scared should I be sis?
You kidnapped her dog. I don't care that you and the dog are epic bros, that's just not cool. Return him.
You know you need to get it together when a frat guy wakes you up and says you need to go to class
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I literally ate pizza on a toilet and made up reasons as to why you should make out with that boy. I am unstoppable.
She was blacked out at her own party. It felt good to stand next to her while she laid on the floor and say "vomit does not look good on you."
Randomize
