she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.
So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?
You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.
Put cigar in mouth backwards. Plz remind to check for scar in morning, can't feel it now. Screwdrivers are like morphine.
I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."
I'm shoveling snow with a camel-pack full of beer in a blizzard. I love snow days as an adult!!!
these are times I'm glad I'm Jewish because the Torah is just like "drink, eat, and fuck"
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
Those thigh tattoos deserve the handsomest of grins between them. Dont settle.
I snapchatted him 4 pictures of me as Tarzan's dad so if he never talks to me again at least we'll know why
We broke up. My life is now 7 inches less.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
At about 2:30 i found you passed out in my closet with your face covered in cheese whiz
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