I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.
i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you
dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.
Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof
I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
I don't think I'd trust a marching band with trampolines to not cause serious damage to themselves/ property.
I just did a jell-o shot with my grandmother. I can die now..
his brother walked in while we were fucking on the couch, told me i had "lovely jugs" and offered to make both of us a drink
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
You can't leave me alone in times of distress because I will fuck things 🙈😐
I just woke up butt-naked in bed with a guy I've never seen..I reached into my bag next to the bed to get my phone and found a bag of shrooms, a handle of vodka, and 600 dollars that I've never seen. what do I do
enjoy it.
Randomize