Well I think that's a good thing that I'm not full of someone else.
how in the hell can u get pulled over when ur car is parked.
I just found out my birth date is Pick Your Poison Day. Goodbye, conscience, forever. I was born to live like this.
The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.
Great I'll forever be branded as gym slut at the new gym.
I'd be a gr8 surrogate. I'm gonna love your fetus
Yup he definitely fell asleep. I'm trying to bone an old man
Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
Just got offered bathroom sex. I've never been more flattered.
I just had a spiritual connection with my sweater and did ballet in the hallway. Alone. I'd say we're gonna chalk that up as a win for marijuana and call it a night
I wore heels to a golf store in hopes of getting laid. I've hit a new all time low.
She just walked out of her bedroom naked and asked me to help put her diaper on. Yeah, that pretty much sums up the last 24 hours...
If we hadn't just agreed to no commitment, i'd totally propose right now. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.
I feel like I should send her I'm sorry I've been fucking your boyfriend flowers.
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