tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.
Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.
If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...
My TA just came over to give us drugs. Now he's drinking grey goose with my roommate and explaining his thesis to her. This is too much.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
I blacked out before two in the afternoon yesterday. Now that's a successful birthday.
Getting drunk and throwing things at people isnt the same with you not here. Remember when you dislocated my elbow and then popped it back in in one motion?
They tried to dine n dash at dennys and the waiter jumped on their car and broke their windshield
Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Like sorry your dick won’t suck itself?
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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