a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
Did u know that at any givin time there r 46,948,952 drunk people in the world? Were not alone
you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"
did i?
its time to go be "that drunk guy nobody knows"....again.
A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.
Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.
Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.
Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.
Step 1: chug a red bull vodka with no ice Step 2: chase that with a shot of wild turkey Step 3: chase that with a shot of tequila
Step 4: your drunk
"I'm pretty sure all our toasts were to Ben Afflecks penis last night."
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
Randomize
