Im drinking a beer thats called vuuve which is boobs in begian. I think my life is complete.
my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.
No, the weekend was great. It was the waking up in the pond in the raft without an oar that sucked. That fucking water is cold at 7am.
not much sitting here stoned eating my little sisters halloween candy and judging each individual hersheys candy bar and after much deliberation by the selection committee the original hersheys chocolate bar won
I'm trying not to drink. I may fall down if I move. This is bad. I had everclear before the bar. Oh no. Oh no. Breathe. Breathe. Breathe.
You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"
Yesterdays boozy weather forecast has been extended to today
He fingered me in a Waffle House bathroom and then stole a traffic cone. Is this love that I'm feeling?
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
SO DRUNK
PUKED IN DRIVEWAY
TELL PARENTS SORRY
We were like ok let's be eachothers maid of honor and then you were like "ok see you at the wedding" and walked away
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
How far are you from my house? Do I have time to masturbate before you get here?
He adjusted my bra straps while I blew him.
I know right? It's like he knows how to pleasure me better than I do myself... He's like a prophet of sex
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