He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians
How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?
I almost had to get my pinky cut off. Wow I'm so happy. We won beer olympics so i didnt hahaha
Somehow me not being able to breathe due to cocaine doesn't seem very domesticated.
You can kiss the security deposit goodbye after you and your boyfriend did donuts on his moped in the middle of the apartment. It was impressive since you were both too drunk to walk.
DON'T YOU TELL ME I HAVE HERPES ON MY BIRTHDAY. THAT IS MOST DEFINITELY NOT A HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
He is getting married. In the time it took for this conversation he probably cheated on her three times
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
I thought my neighbors locked me out of the building. Then I remembered I was drunk. PUSH AND TURN.
There is a special place in hell for people who only eat the center of the pot brownies.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You punched me in the face while blackout. 20 min later I told you I'd been punched in the face and you yelled 'by who, imma go kill 'em!'
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
If I wanna spend the whole night tied up and getting railed I'm allowed to do so
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