My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
New low. Found an ant nibbling on my last xanax. Flicked it away and popped it in my mouth anyways.
You're perfectly engineered for doggy style
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
i woke up to my roomate hitting me in the head with a can of PBR at 8:30 in the morning...i love spring break
No, she passed out instead. I have the worst luck, its like Jesus is mad at me for having the same birthday as him
We've started doing pot butter shots. WHY AREN'T U HERE
I was mixing candy canes and coors light and was in a great place.
Want to come over and rub aloe on my tits?
I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
just took a pregnancy test before I went out drinking. if that's not drinking responsibly Idk what is.
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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