so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
i just sent this text using only my big toe
just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.
There's a guy at this party taking all the unfinised beers and pouring them into a pitcher so he can drink them tomorrow.
just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer
Should you consider yourself out of control when everyone at the party is cheering you on while you're puking, and on the last heave you act like you're rolling dice right before the finale???
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
Hahaha idk what's worse your life or my hangover.
That's too much drama for once a month dick... that's in-house dick drama only
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
I'm so drunk I forgot what to do to go pee.
hey. this is your former cousin. you boned my best friend last night.
I need a significant other who'll eat Skittles from my boobs
Randomize
