If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.
maybe we dont have boyfriends because we dont have tans
Lets go to the mall and pick up some fat chicks and take them out tonight so we can be the skinny friends
she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?
It's gotten to the point where NOT peeing in the sink feels strange and uncomfortable.
i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?
We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
Were taking tot shots. If toddlers could drink these are the size of shots they would take
When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."
I'll do a soapy photo shoot for you in the shower. No loofas, though. Once you get one of those caught in your nipple ring, you never go back.
I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.
The fact that I took a nap during my midterm shows exactly how I handle being an adult
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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