he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
So i looked up from her cooch and there was her ex-boyfriend
Awkward
I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.
The bender is in full force. After 2 bloody mary's at breakfast we are now drinking vodka redbull "as a precaution" so we will stay awake for the club tonight.
Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness
he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone
You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.
True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.
That was beautiful.
I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.
How do I tell your little brother I lost my virginity wearing nothing but his socks?
Formal letter or email.
He tried to tell me that he could handle his liquor better than "all the bitches in this town." AS HE THREW UP. ALL. OVER.
Current dream situation- Gordon Ramsey is my Uber driver and he's hauling around a backseat filled with chocolate covered açai berries. I'm good for eternity.
AND ONCE AGAIN, MY VAGINA HAS STRUCK AGAIN. HER PLANS TO TAKE OVER MARYLAND ARE WELL ON THEIR WAY AS SHE CONTINUES TO ENGULF EVERY QUEER IN A 10 MILE RADIUS
I have a hickey in my new work ID photo.....
I'm disgusted with myself. Who goes down on their Uber driver? This asshole
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