i was unaware that anal sex sometimes ends with shit on the bed.
i never told you how having a club foot got me laid
just as he was about to cum he started shouting "I THINK I CAN! I THINK I CAN!" over and over again.
We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?
all hypothetical of course
Just charged fat mistake $3 for a beer.
the cops who came hadnt heard yet. when we told them they sang the star spangled banner with us
Met my future wife peeing in the men's room. I stood in for the missing door on the stall. We really hit it off talking about how her butt didn't even touch the seat from all the years of squat lifting in high school.
Instead of a hangover my body just feels like shame
That is a hangover
I would prefer a headache
What did we do last night and why in the fuck were there carrots in my pocket?
passed out on bart again and decide to bike home. biked thru a goat farm of angry goats, biked on the freeway, got stopped by the cops, and sat shotgun in the squad car while the officer driving got a video on his iphone of his partner riding my bike on the freeway.
Will you still call me Bond when I'm sober?
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
Randomize
