Why are handjobs necessary in class?
totally got the gold medal for the best fence jump when the cops came.
hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
You know you're a nerd when you lose track of how many times you've gotten turned on watching Glee.
people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.
and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
I woke up spooning with a broom that someone taped a mustache too..i need to stop starting my nights by drinking "hangover" wine.
i like beer, sex, and cooking. what more can he want?
He kept saying "Welcome to Indianapolis" over and over while we were having sex...because that's his hometown. I was scared and confused... I didn't know if I should have said thank you or what.
Just filed for child support I hope he gets the paperwork on Father's Day
I got confused. The music was loud, porn was playing, people were grinding, there were hand jobs.
Randomize
