I'm in a subway station watching a tranny do her makeup. This is like watching a unicorn giving birth.
he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me
I don't give a shit about soccer but I'm really excited about drinking at 7 in the morning
He pulled his dick out during the Bourne Ultimatum, ruined it for me.
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
In between when I last wrote and now have screwed a Swiss guy on a hostel bathroom floor. Okay, real life?
You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.
Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.
She shit all over my seat. She is not allowed in my car under any circumstances. Not even with drugs. You can't forgive a shit.
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
I'm about to turn myself in when I'm less hungover.
he would snap chat his dick as like Harry Potter
We were fucking in the boat on the lake when another boat saw us and honked their appreciation.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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