I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.
i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?
I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..
It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.
Psh a bachelors degree is the new adulthood. We're all just pretending anyways. I'm sitting on my boyfriends couch while he's passed out drunk. In my lap. On a Wednesday. And he's a nurse. See, pretending to be an adult
I heard him crying and I heard him listening to porn... I'm hoping to God they weren't at the same time.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
Found my bike today. On top of the garage. I'm not even going to ask myself why.
The bottle of Jameson may have been a bit aggressive for a Sunday cookout.
She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.
Ive done some fucked up shit, but last night was the first I have Poured milk on anothers mans face in the shower.
I was really hoping my 420 would involve a lot more weed and a lot less buttholes
Hope everything goes ok. If it makes you feel better, I straightened vomit into my hair and killed a bird earlier.
somehow I wound up on the floor crying about his beard. then telling everyone I'd give him a "lesbian blowjob".
If you find out what that means, show me.
So a bottle of lube exploded all over my softball bag and Nike shirt.
Randomize
