I was just at the urinal, started to go, then farted, then said oh yea out loud, then heard someone move in the stall behind me
What can i say, inner beauty is great but it makes a hard picture to jack off to
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk
I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.
so my mom thinks I'm picking you up just to go buy you liquor before you go back to school tomorrow...
I'm ashamed that your mom thinks I haven't already taken care of that.
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
I have a rash on my arm from the cat litter. Think the cat will be mad that I peed in its box?
I'm about to eat a honey mustard chicken salad on the toilet while I try to shit. You really think I care about what "kind of guy he is?" The fuck out of here.
If you don't care, I don't. Good luck finding prince charming.
Was reaching for my vibrator this morning out of my nightstand and strained my neck muscle. I'm getting so old.
I got copblocked.
What?
Cockblocked. By a cop. Copblocked.
Gave a guy a blowjob in a convent. Place in hell is now secured...
dude. I can hear the air.
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