I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!
Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.
We have a vodka soaked ShamWow with your name on it.
I wish Pampers made couches for people like us.
He IMed me 5 times, before my homepage even loaded. This is not gonna work out for me
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
You compared your dick to a twizzler. In no way, shape, or form is that a turn on.
I am moving slowly w him. I havent even masturbated to him yet.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
With a stable of 7 fuck buddies, I literally use a random number generator to determine the order in which I will booty call them on my way home from work. I have not slept in my own bed in a month. I just keep half my clothes hanging in my car or in a suitcase.
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
My boss is explaining why he thinks time goes by faster and faster. Bc of the rockets. No lie.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
So were driving two hours to go to a club and Charles packed me a sippy cup full of tequila. He thinks of everything!
Randomize