I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
You fell on your face and the waitress just brought you a fresh drink
I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
He told me his cum shot melted the paint on his bedroom wall and asked if I want to see it
went to their party, left halfway through to fuck a pledge, came back to keep drinking. I think everyone won.
How exactly does one go about seducing an older, possibly blind gentleman?
I think someone tried to make a huge bowl of ramen in my bathtub. There's noodles everywhere in my bathroom.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
Yeah I was just reminiscing about that time a seagull shit on your head at the beach
Good god, my descendants are going to be fucked.
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
