I asked what she wanted from Hawaii. She said a baby like Aaden from JK 8.
where am I supposed to find one of those?
You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.
something about eating while taking a crap just doesn't seem safe to me.
Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win
In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
He makes me want to shower. It must be love.
I cunt my lip shaving. That's not a typo, it's a placement clue
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
Congrats you've received dick pics from an Olympic silver medalist
Some days, I wish I could get a hug from a furry muppet
He was so wasted he lit his sink on fire with shit he found in his room....it was smokeless. Chemistry majors drunk = the coolest shit ever.
We gotta locate my vibrators and get them stashed away STAT
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
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