In hindsight, i should have predicted that a drink called the 'rocky mountain bear fucker' would not end in a pleasant experience
you screamed 'he won't go on a date with me, but he gave me a free junior chicken'
well imagine, me dating the manager equals free junior chickens for everyone
Dude..TWLOHA day. gonna write LOVE on my arms before going to the bar tonight. its like a pussy guarantee.
Just gave advice in krystal burger while holding and pointing with a corona to a 3 year old, told her to enjoy her stroller time while it lasts. The mom pushed her away fast.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I was really excited when he said that condoms didn't fit him, then he added "they fall right off"...
If you ever bitch out on 72oz margarita night again, this friendship is over
We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?
I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I'm actually not sure I need to run today, between the crazy monkey sex and breaking into my own house.
This is worse then when all the pharmacists sang me happy birthday while I was buying plan b
Just woke up from a dream where I had lesbian sex with myself (a clone of me)... Take that, Freud!
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
Fun fact: deep throating plus dehydration plus eating a lot of citrus = my throat is fucked. Metaphorically and physically.
Randomize
