I swear she didn't look like that last week.
I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
I dont have enough money in my bank account to buy a pregnancy test. this wouldnt be the first time ive had to steal one either...
the extent of background information i have on her is minimal, but it will get me in her pants
I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
I'm not so good at organized events that don't revolve around whiskey or playgrounds.
PLEASE DON'T BE HEARTLESS COME AND GET ME FROM THE BAR I'M HIGH AS SHIT AND I LOST MY SHOES
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
I was like, booze is the closest thing I have to a father. Don't pour daddy down the sink
So I have a horrible yeast infection right now and I learned that Scott is cheating on me and now he has a yeast infection in his mouth and in his stomach a pretty aggressive one too. I believe the doctors call it thrush. Text me in the morning tell me what you think.
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
