I just tipped a bartender in xanax.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
I just woke up with the words DO IT on my hand and six beers in my purse.
If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...
whenever I think of his sister, I just picture a chick with a huge beard
Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.
I was batman and I saved her. Then we had sex on a rooftop.
My first sex dream, I blew myself. Yours definitely wins.
Hunting for men at chipotle... I feel like I should be more disappointed that this is the way my life is going but I'm really just excited for the potential.
There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.
I need to be drunk within 15 minutes of getting home tonight.
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
I’m pregaming Christmas shopping with grandma. What’s up?
Sitting on couch, workout sex makes me more sore than regular workout
Do not let Mike show you his naughty Santa Claus outfit. It's a super long beard and crotchless pants.
He was eating me out on a picnic table on the frame lake trail and right after I came, a group of hikers walked around the corner. Stood up just in time
And this is one of the many reasons why you need a car.
Randomize
