I called the bartender Mr. Intoxication last night. He thought it was funny until i threw up and blamed it on him
the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.
1. Sorry about making it snow. 2. If it left a mess, I will be over to clean it. 3. Can that fire extinguisher still be used? If not, I'll buy a new one. 4. I just wanted to make it snow!
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.
I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.
Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
Check snapchat. Selfie game still on point mid vomit.
I just made the most “single life” Amazon order ever: protein bars and condoms.
How did delivering mac n cheese to my drug dealer become a two hour outing?
He ate me out for my sailor moon manga and I gave him a blowjob for his Devilman manga. Pretty sweet deal imo
Randomize