Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?
Why are you in my underwear drawer?
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.
Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk
If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok
Good for him. He wanted to accomplish walking across niagara, I'm hoping to accomplish not throwing up tomoro nite, we all have our own priorities in life.
I do wanna see you. And we can just lay here and watch a movie and listen to me cry.
We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas
I thank god almighty everyday
Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.
Just saw the mall santa roll by on a rascal scooter holding a chic-fil-a milkshake and stop to chat up trio of cute 20-somethings. New hero.
considering I just took 3 shots of fireball I don't think I'm coming back tonight. also the hulk just walked in crushing beer cans on his forehead
No he can't come. I swear to gods he's "Why We Can't Have Nice Things" given physical form.
Sometimes I refuse to go through a door until someone holds it open for me because I'm a fucking lady.
Randomize
