This is the way my sobriety ends: Not with a bang, but with a whimper.
This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.
Im covered in vodka and melted gummys. Fuck summer.
Considering showing up at your house with coronas. I'll be wearing a sombrero and that's it.
Party city is having a sale on maracas
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
He's in grad school at Harvard. I suppose that means my vagina is now smarter than I am.
Like did I tell you about the ex Amish guy? Because that was a mess
That's brilliant but could get us arrested. Give me shots until I shout LET'S DO THIS
Your grandma found me sleeping in my car this morning, and she wanted me to tell you she was going to church... Also, last night was amazing.
Can you explain the Transformers set up for battle in my living room?
What happened last night? All I know is that I walked into class this morning and everyone was chanting my name.
I refuse to fake an orgasm. If I'm dating him, he better work for that shit.
Sometimes you gotta do what you gotta do... and then you need to delete the history so you're girlfriend doesn't see it.
You took the glass microwave plate and said it was the closest thing to a frisbee, let me know how that works out for you
Randomize
