Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.
The last thing I remember is funneling tequila out of a pink noodle.
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
I remember pointing out how smooth my legs were to try to direct his attention away from my vagina.
We started telling people we were married, and then we hooked up on a park bench
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
he wears New Balance sneakers on a regular basis, did you really expect the sex to be more than decent?
Judging by the ckaw marks on my back i'm gonna go out on a limb and say that blonde chick was a werewolf. A sexy, kinky werewolf.
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
He complimented the perfect handprints you left on each of my ass cheeks.Thanks.
MY LIFE IS HARD OK. I HAVE TO WAKE UP AT LIKE 10 OR 11 AFTER SMOKIG POT AND PLAYING FALLOUT UNTIL 3
I mean metaphorically. Literally zombies have yet to invade. Let's be rational here.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Unexpected pussy is the best kind. Never expected to get any from a stranger at my little brother's bar mitzvah.
Mazeltov!
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
