the last thing i remember is inserting the sippy stray into the jack daniel's.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
He sent me a vid of himself jerking off. I hope his hands are the size of tennis rackets or it will be a very short date.
Dude are you being arrested? I swear I just saw you laying on the hood of your car with a cop patting you down...
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
He called me at 4am to ask me to marry him, then threw up into the phone for 10 minutes.
I got horny for like a second but the eggplant snapped me out of it
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
Man the amount of drugs being done at a wedding with a bunch of surgeons was disturbing
I'm stuck on a cliff. I'm not sure how I got here or how to get down. Please send help. And clothes.
just licked the cheese off a burger. that high.
Get your dick back in here. On Saturdays, you're not allowed to leave my bed unless it's to make me bacon or coffee.
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