my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.
Seriously. He was just sitting there naked in the dark with a boner pissed that I came home late.
she was in the bathroom washing her eye makeup off with hand sanitizer.
It's not so much that I'm giving her money because I threw up on her floor. It's more like I'm paying her to never ever mention it again.
I got slapped by a drag queen and bitten on the arm by either a random girl or a weird mouth shaped dog. Tough to tell without seeing the teeth
He realized that I was watching deadliest catch while we were jerkin off on FaceTime.
When our dicks touched he made a lightsaber noise.
I woke up to half of the whiskey bottle gone, and apparently I showered in my clothes. Pretty good start to SB2015 I'd say?
He just pulled his sweatpants down and pissed in the middle of our garden
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
My dad told me I would need to be my mom's DD tonight. So, that's how my Easter weekend is going down.
Executive decision.... we are cuddling naked
There's a big difference between a penis and a toilet.
I'm sorry for chipping my tooth on your vagina last night :(
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
Randomize
