Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"
It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk
You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.
Some random at the bar just whispered in my ear that he wants to eat me out while on bath salts....
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.
I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.
YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
I only wore my thong with cheeseburgers on it because I thought we'd have sex. So I basically wasted my best thong for nothing.
Dude, some chick came over here earlier and thought my lube was hand sanitizer. She poured it all over her hands.
Randomize
