We walk out of his house and his dad is there, so I had to meet him and shake his hand pretending that same hand hadn't been down his son's pants five minutes earlier
Dude. He drives a mini. Therefore he's a virgin
you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
There was no way out of it, seeing as I left my photo ID right next to the vomit.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.
Do you think if i wear this shirt with my bengals boxers this kid will fall out of love with me a little bit because that's what I was going for.
I am laying in your bed and just found a bottle of wine under your pillow ...should have married you...
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
DO NOT SLAP ANYONE WITH ANY VEGAN MEAT PATTIES
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
Call me Sherlock Holmes, bitch.
Randomize
