Did you go home with that guy without me?
Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
You know how I told you I don't have many naked pics? Apparently that changed last night.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...
he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.
I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
My arms are sore from holding up pukeahontas for so long
STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
They've already turned me into the Dean of Students once because they felt 'unsafe' because I came home hammered and asked one of them to make me a grilled cheese sandwich. Like, I just ASKED!
What does it say about my expectations if I'm pounding three beers the hour before a date?
He was tied up with the electrical tape and force fed wine from a box. It was never going to end well.
Randomize
