cant believe you said you would bone perez hilton
i said paris hilton
thats even worse
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage
Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.
Her boyfriend only talks to me because I know her period schedule
I think I just agreed to be an escort for an Asian guy who's gonna be in the city next weekend before he moves back to Shanghai...
Swear to god this chicks brother got let out of jail for the weekend for the sole purpose of cock blocking me
Pretty sure I asked the person at the pharmacy counter in Walgreens to marry me last night. But also remember Rachel Maddow crawling through the TV screen, so my memory might be a bit compromised...
Walking my dog and eating a taco in last night's dress.. Classy
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
I have to hand it to her. In my heyday I took home the 'biggest shitshow of the night' award 9 times out of 10. But I passed the torch on to her last night, and she went skipping merrily far and away with it into the enchanted world of aggressive alcoholism. Is this 30?
We are literally scheduling phone sex... if that's not long distance af then i don't know what is
She said to call her, so I called her. Her boyfriend answered and traced the fucking call. I could litterally hear him yell because it turns out he lives in 4d
Don't you live in 4c?
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