Goal for tonight: Make one last drunken mistake for the semester.
just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
If hangovers were people John Goodman would be living in my skull trying to eat the back of my eyes
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.
I worked hard to give you that boner. No one else should get to enjoy it!
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
Sunday mornings are confusing. Like. I can't decide if I want to go for a run or start drinking
A penis isn't a time share. I want to own not rent.
I wore his All-American medal during sex. I came in first that night.
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
My sister and her gf showed up at my door with no pants on at 4 AM talking claiming its hot.
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