Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
You wouldn't be the first friend to shit himself in the last 7 days
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I miss you more than I would miss junk food if I went on a diet. And you've seen me eat, you know how desperate I'd be.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
So you're at your daughter's volleyball game looking at dicks online? That's amazing.
No, I was picking her up from volleyball and sitting in my car looking at dicks.
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
I just wrote a self loathing message to self, wrapped my credit card in it, put it in an envelope, sealed it with another hate messame, and put it in my lock box. So. That's where I'm at.
Nice classy night out before we roll our faces off
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
like sometimes I wish I was allergic to latex so I wouldn't have sex with so many people..
His bedroom is the preferred destination of MILFs, cougars, recent divorcees and sexually frustrated wives
His penis is my hero
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