Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
You're just horny.
Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.
I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!
Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
The only person who DOESN'T think it's a horrible idea to sleep with my ex is my therapist. Obviously I trust her judgement above all others.
Life lesson: if a hot naked girl tells you to spit on something, you spit on it. No questions.
Well I'm back. Could you fill me in on what I missed?
You don't want to know. Trust me.
yeah the cops just showed up and they got there ass handed to them at beer pong.
I just racked up a fucking ginormous hospital bill because I came so hard I had an asthma attack
Randomize
