you googled " I want to buy a live ostrich". I'd say you were pretty wasted.
I'm watching ellen!
just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show
Found: medium sized pair of mens pants tucked inside my purse w/ a dry cleaners coupon in left pocket. Call if you wish to claim the coupon
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
I don't know what I should tell you tell you. I don't want to encourage you to dye my dog.
As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.
how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time
you found the shrooms didnt you
He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.
I hate when you actually try to sing and people think you're joking so you just go with it, but on the inside you're crying.
Last night you snap chatted some chick a pic of bottle service with the caption "send tits"
I wrote "fuck you meg" on my toaster strudel with the icing. I call it "passive aggressive breakfast"
for real. if he messaged me that i'd have made his penis cower in a corner.
I feel you. I woke up butt naked on top of my sheets with a plate of cheese next to my bed...
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
Nothing says happy Monday quite like coffee and oral sex.
Randomize
