Plan B is the new Plan A
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
I plan on drinking enough to kill at least 2 frat boys and make an aa meeting weep for joy
Just gave my pregnant cat a safe sex talk. That high.
Doesn't matter how many times we tell him the kid's a freshman, he keeps repeating "cupcake boy shall be mine" and honestly you need to intervene
Listen. You dont know how advanced you are in yoga till you have to shave your butthole
I officially have worse injuries from a baby shower than roller derby.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
I just watched will sing pure imagination from willy wonka and then blow a banana
You're a problem for me, dick game too good. In the future when I'm with someone I actually wanna to date, now I'm gonna compare.
I just woke up, dressed as Chris Brown, with a bunless hot dog (presumably from 7/11) in my pocket, wearing a pair of shoes I don't recognize as my own. Help.
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
I could hear it slapping against his thighs under the robe!!!!!!!!! You are a lucky girl!
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