go do what you do best...puke behind churches
Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.
which gay bar do you need a ride home from?
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?
I hate you.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
If you go to the bathroom don't ask why there's diet coke on the toilet. Loller copter. Blow is fun.
Nothing makes me happier than finding out someone else is pregnant and it's not you.
And I don't know if this is really ESP, or just a crazy feeling, but I'm pretty sure he has an std. Or at least a cold.
I swear going to your house is like going to a strip club, no matter what happens I get glitter on me.
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
I think this Canadian beach volleyball player might be my soulmate. We could check each other's shoulders for melanoma.
She was topless, yelling this is Sparta, threatening to push her dad into the sewer. I am pretty sure she won't be at school.
Your drunk self managed to not pee on anyone's bed
Go me
I'm actually proud
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
Randomize
