while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life
I wasn't expecting a boner of this magnitude
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
Such a good question, let's ask the alcohol gods for the answer.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
Does me being hung over take away from how professional I can be today?
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
Then a third Canadian I didn't know showed up to the hotel room at like 3am. I let him sleep in our bed because he had pizza.
We just got busted fucking in the hammock by his roommate...I'm so out of here as soon as hes asleep....
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
I don't know what's wrong with me. The guy from bar rescue is making me horny
im shaving my vagina and listening to frank sinatra, im coming over after
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