Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.
She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.
can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol
whatever. i almost had sex in a car with someone passed out in the back seat. phone's not my biggest worry.
Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I'm driving while wearing hulk hands
I actively tried geting in the guy's pants and ended up in the girl's. I'm bad at this whole straight while drunk thing.
Someone just got pizza delivered to the liquor store.
So hungover. I'm getting too old for trolloping around in disco shorts going shot for shot with well behaved underclassmen in an effort to lure them to the dark side of alcoholism and liver failure.
Hot dogs and hydrocodine is NOT the combo of champions
You told him he “could park his dick in your garage”.
Well he didn’t. It shouldn’t be this hard to get a penis.
Randomize
