8:17pm: So, How was fun day?
1:15am: So I just woke up in my bed in my bathing suit... I don't remember getting into bed or dinner or anything after slip n slide that happened around five... I'd say fun day was a success
Have u ever been so drunk that pissing urself felt like a better idea than walking to the bathroom? I entered those waters last night
you mean i was at the winter classic?
so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.
I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.
The beer bottle was sticking out of your zipper and you shook it onto unsuspecting patrons
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
You've created a tinder dominating monster.
Unless your apology includes a 20 something with loose morals and a daddy complex, I'm am not interested
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
Need ride home. Girls. Stolen keg. Rolling down streets. Horny girls. No condoms. Rescue needed. girls and beer in exchange for rescue and bacon?
I. Hate. You. Where are you, are said girls cute, and how did you know I bought bacon? And how does this always happen to you?
Smarter than the average bear
How do I say “I have great tits” without it sounding awful
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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