Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.
there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.
i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.
We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.
What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.
Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
And then my hands went numb and no one believed me so I started putting peoples cigarettes out on them. Shitty idea i'll tell you that much
i have a raging boner for Saturday, day drinking is one of my top favorite things right next to alligator wrestling and blowing shit up
He used the ring emoji and we've gone out four times. What is my life.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
