Mr. Last Night just informed me I told him to be very quiet when he left this morning and high-fived him as a goodnight kiss. Drunk me is slutty and manly.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.
It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now
Just try not to burn your pubes off with sparklers this year.
No promises
It's been 12 hours since I have heard from you and social media has given me no indication you are anything but dead, so that's what I'm going with.
Knowing how to carefully mix my vices has to be the #1 skill I've gotten from pharmacy school
Dude like i feel like i did ALL OF THE DRUGS yesterday
He showed me his sex playlist and it looked good, so I slept with him.
There is this guy in here. He didn't even get ice cream he just filled up his cup with mini marshmellows, chocolate syrup, about a lb of grahm cracker crumbs and walked around to everyone in the shop saying "hey, hey look here, I just made fucking s'mores." He was SO proud of himself.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
there's still a lot i don't remember, like why my iphone's nailed to your wall
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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